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A Little Real-Life-Fiction

Posted on 2008.04.09 at 20:10
Current Location: home sweet home
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Numb - Sia
Tags:
So, I've been inspired to write. some stuff in my life has made me feel all literary lately.. tell me if it should die, or where I should go with it if you'd like to...

A Little Fiction...

James was always a giver. He’d give his right hand to a friend in need, though more often his charity consisted more of his time, and offerings of wisdom, uncommon for someone his age.  In fact, James was rather atypical for someone his age.  A recent transplant from a small town in Virginia, to New York, he’d left home and decided to live on his own right after high school.  Now of course he questioned the choice everyday, “Am I cut out for this?” was his mantra everyday, and everyday there was no real answer.

 

He survived though, found an place to live and a decent job.  He had a few good friends, and even a few enemies.  Though he felt like he was floundering, he knew that, all things aside, he was making a life for himself here.  Still, he felt dissatisfied with things.  Always feeling like something was missing, something wasn’t quite right.  He was often envious of his friends, it seemed that they all had a much easier time, their lives uncomplicated and peaceful.  It was a terrible burden, to feel pangs of jealousy at every accomplishment made by a friend.

 

In particular he hated how he felt towards his friends Robert.  Robert was from a moderately wealthy family in the mid-west, he was smart, successful and good-looking.  Not that James was really too much different from that, it just seemed that Robert had an easier time of it.  Things just came to him without him having to lift a finger.

 

If Robert was low on money, he would get that bonus from his job that he’d forgotten about months ago in the mail.  If Robert was in a group of people he’d never met before he always seemed to know just what to wear and how to act and what to say to win them over before the night was though.  If Robert went to a club with James and hung out with him all night, he somehow managed to get numbers from half of the boys and even a few of the girls at the bar before they left while James never got any.

 

 The worst part of that was that after getting all of those numbers, Robert wouldn’t even call any of them back.  “Why bother,” he said when James asked him about it, “I’ll just get another 20 numbers next weekend” He then casually smirked before shoving another piece of sushi in his mouth.

 

James wanted nothing more than to leap over the table and strangle him, however all he could manage was a stiff smile before returning to his lunch.

 

Robert had an uncanny was of making James feel like the ugly duckling loser in their friendship.  He was the one who was always complaining about how miserably single he was, while Robert seemed to only complain that his latest ‘thing’ was cramping his style, or getting on his nerves.

 

I wish I had someone to get on my nerves he’d think to himself on the phone.

 

Roberts love life was just an amorphous shifting cast of fantastic, beautiful, smart, successful men.

 

First Chris was too skinny, then Bob made too many jokes about their names being the same, then Raoul’s accent was irritating, then Darrell was a scrub, then Steve made him feel like a scrub, then Mike wanted to have sex too often… The list goes on.

 

The thing is, that through all of these relationships, James had been there for Robert, offering his best advice on how to work things out, how he would handle the situation.  He began to almost live his failing love life out vicariously through Robert.

 

Since moving to New York, James had been seriously involved with two people.  The first Tyler, though ostensibly a total sweetheart, was actually a stalker creep.  He actually still sometimes feels like he’s being followed when he makes his way home from work.  The second was a much older man by the name of Charles.  Though Charles was older than James, he was far less mature it became apparent and didn’t want James for anything but the occasional fuck after he left the bar.

 

Other than that, there was nothing.  According to Robert, he just needed to put himself ‘out there’ whatever the hell that meant.  James just wanted to go to a coffee shop with the latest copy of Vogue and a caramel macchiato and have Mr. Right plop down across from him for witty conversation about how lovely his eyes were and then over dinner later that night propose marriage.  Then at least he could stop worry about dating; as if he didn’t have enough issues with self-love, finding someone else and convincing them to love him seemed an insurmountable task.

TBC?

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The Time Has Come

Posted on 2008.02.11 at 22:55
Tags: , ,
Well, I think I've made a decision.

I've felt for some time now that there was something not quite right about things.. just things in general, but that something in my life was preventing me from being really happy with my collegiate experience.. something has been missing.

I though for awhile that maybe if I moved into my own place that I'd really feel that sense of freedom, that I've so longed for, that I'd not have to answer to anyone in my home life.  But I live on my own, and still something isn't right..

I really didn't know what it was, but now I think I do.  Since I've been living here in Philadelphia, I think I've had a change of heart.  I love the creative professions, but lately I've been thinking that I might not be cut out to just sell my art, to make money as a creative professional in the photography field.  That not to say that I don't have a passion for this craft, and i do want to somehow have that be part of my career path... but maybe it doesn't need to be the focus.

So here it is then.. I think I'm going to switch majors.. to what you ask.. Fashion Marketing.

I know, thats is definitely a 'what the hell, but I never though he would..huh?' , moment.  But hear me out.

From the day I first came here.  The people I fell in with were not in my major of photography, I have a few friends in my major, but by and large, my friends are in fashion marketing.  Now though I know you aren't supposed to base your decisions about your life around things that your friends decide to do. But here's more.  One of my few friends in the photo department already has a degree, a fashion degree.  I am VP of the fashion club at school.  All I want to do as projects in class are fashion shoots.  I read more fashion magazines than photography ones, and draw more inspiration from those than anything else.  I talk almost as knowledgeably about subjects in the fashion realm than things in the wold of photography. Even though I have my own homework assignments, I ask what my friends in fashion have to do and in my free time often work on those projects.  I have even been known to make up fashion assignments for myself, including a bi-weekly research assignment and presentation on a new designer for every meeting of the fashion club.

The list goes on.

Though I love photography as a medium, I've come to the decision that it is not the way i need to go with my college education. That was the missing piece.. I've been studying the wrong thing.  So, in order to get my life back on track, I'm going to take three months off school and work save and study.. make sure I'm 100% sure that this is the right thing to do for me.

I'm SO scared! But I think it's the right thing to do.. I think its the only thing to do..

Wish me luck!

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mr. nice guy for mr. nice guy

Posted on 2008.01.30 at 20:50
Current Location: the desk
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: So Broken - Bjork
Internet dating is so weird...

Heres this thing.  For the past few months I've been perusing the online dating websites, posting ads and lurking in chat rooms waiting for Mr. Right to show up and announce himself.  Needless to say, I haven't been terribly successful.  Many false starts, lots of guys who look good on paper, but then just cant live up to what I want, many liars, HUNDREDS of perverts, and no one who meets my few specifications.  My ads went from saying that I'm looking for 1 thing, to saying I'm looking for anything.  It was to the point where I was willing to just say, look, I just need some affection here.. from a not crazy person, but please don't count yourself out if you are crazy because I'm just that desperate. 

I've come across some really fantastic guys too.. and none of them have been even remotely interested in me.  That was another whole saga with my self-esteem in  the balance.  Being ignored is really the worst feeling; in person it really burns, but even online it can really do something to you.

One of my favorite places to browse for the love of my life has been craigslist.  The personals there are, besides just down right hilarious at times and a source of free entertainment, whenever there is a real person posting... as in not looking to service a man and his dog too ( i really read that one too), there was a little hope for me that there might be someone out there looking for me.

I decided to post an ad there awhile ago, a few months I think, at the encouragement of a friend, and in return I got a mailbox full of pictures of strangers penises and buttholes.
I was, as you can no doubt infer, rather disheartened.

Still I kept on posting.  Not too often, in between my postings I was browsing every one elses, looking for that Mr. Right who was looking for me.  Checking my email compulsively to see if i had a new response became my new favorite pastime. It was like a game.. well if I phrase it like this how many crazies' penises will i get this time.  I almost began to post without the actual intention of meeting anyone, just to see what I would get in my Gmail inbox.

Still I really was on the search for Mr. Right.  I didn't know where else to find him.  I was determined that the right guy for me was on craigslist somewhere, and that we just keep missing eachother, that my ad is too far down the list and he never gets that far, whatever the cruel fates keep doing to ruin my plans.

Either way, I came to a conclusion after a while of posting.  I was looking for something unreal, unattainable.  Mr. Right... who the hell is he!  Mr. Right only exists in Sex and the City.  Mr. Right was Mr. Big (well that is up for argument but now's not the time for that)  Mr. Right won't reply to an ad looking for Mr. Right.  Shit, I'm not even looking for Mr. Right, just someone nice, just a regular nice guy... Mr. Nice Guy, if you will.

So I changed my approach.. well really i just changed the title of my ad
'mr. nice guy for mr. nice guy'
That was all really.  Just the title... the contents stayed the same, although by this point I've learned to request that no one send me a picture of a penis 'I don't want to date a penis... a man with a penis would be nice though'
Well I was really excited, until an hour later I got my first response... a picture of a mans 8.5 inch penis, shaved, semi-erect and in an attempt at artistry, in black and white ( at least he tried).  At that point I was ready to give up.  None of the responses for Mr. Right were good, and apparently Mr. Nice Guy was the same asshole (or dick actually).

Then I went to see a friend of mine, the one who encouraged me to try craigslist in the first place.  He's finally found someone and they seem so happy and perfect for eachother.  I was inspired to give it another shot
'another go for mr. nice guy'
I posted one last time, I promised myself, this is the last time I'm posting online.  After this I'm giving up the online dating thing and I'm going to try and do it the old fashioned way (not that I have any idea what that entails but...)
So i posted, and then I waited like a hawk over my Gmail inbox,
response one.. penis.. damnit!
response two.. 67 years old.. shit!
responses three and four... might be nice.. but really ugly!
then i got a response... a genuinely good one.. one that came almost at the point when I was ready to throw in the towel.  It was honest sincere and made me laugh, which though that isn't hard to do, is really an important thing to me.

So I decided to respond

We played email tage for about a day before we were able to get it together and since then, we've basically been talking non-stop.. that was like two- three days ago.  We're still talking, we're talking right now as i write this and I'm sure we'll be talking for a few hours at least after I'm done.

Now, I'm not sure if I've stumbled across Mr. Right, thats remains to be determined, but I am absolutely sure that I got what I asked for, definitely Mr. Nice Guy!

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M.I.A.

Posted on 2008.01.13 at 03:38
Why the hell is M.I.A. in every freaking fashion shows  music this season.. can someone say over exposure....i hope she doesn't like  flop...

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Money

Posted on 2008.01.13 at 01:00
Tags: ,
I hate money... mainly cause i have none...
I'm excited to be in the classes I'm in this quarter... View Camera, Photo Techniques, Color Printing.  These are exciting, especially since I'll be using the medium format and Holga cameras, but despite the fact that these are exciting tools to use, they are also EXTREMELY expensive.  I have no idea how I'm going to pay for all this.  Luckily Gramps paid for enough to get me started, but I still need tons of stuff.. I literally spent almost $200 on enough supplies for ONE WEEK! Thats INSANE!... oh well...
everything always works out for me.. i have to say it and mean it!
EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT FOR ME!

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Fotografias

Posted on 2007.12.14 at 22:03
Current Location: where else but the couch...
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Standing In The Way Of Control - The Gossip
Tags: , , ,




I've been making a ton of photographs lately

here are a few i made recenty...




moar... )




some of these are actually a bit older but whatever..


[[leave love]]..

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a fresh start at years end...

Posted on 2007.12.14 at 00:27
Current Location: the couch
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Breathe Me - Sia
Tags: ,
So my last entry was kind of bleak... but I'm happy to report that things are looking up!

I have no idea how I'm going to pay for my next quarter of school though, but that's okay, things'll work out.

Anyway... I've been on a very creative streak lately. It's always exciting when i create a new life theme. I do this every now and then, where i just over haul everything in my life when the old ideas I'd been living on seem to have lost their effect. I come up with something fresh.. a new theme, a new beat to walk to... a new outlook. It's really exciting for me when I'm in one of these moods, because it means that I'll almost always creates some beautiful art or come to some really important realization about life or something like that. So far I've been making photographs like a man possessed for the past few days. Also I've been doing some really interesting graphic illustration work, making vector illustrations on illustrator.

Here are a few of the vectors I've made...

Vectors )


Yeah and also I've done like maybe 4 or 5 photoshoots with models this week and about 7 or 8 including shoots with no models.
Photographs )


So that's been my prolific week i suppose

Peace

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a crossroads...

Posted on 2007.11.27 at 18:29
Current Mood: scared
Current Music: Question Existing - Rihanna
So I think I'm officially fucking up in school... It's generally bad when you don't go to any classes for the week and do none of your work.., or anything at all really, just sleep all day and waste time all night...

So when that guy said I was bi-polar, maybe he was right... I keep going back to that as an explanation for all of my craziness... I does make sense I think,  I'll be fine for weeks at a time, in the best mood, and then out of nowhere, all i want to do is sleep and hide under my covers.  Right now I feel like my whole world is about to collapse in on me.  Like everything is just held up by fragile posts and soon all of the great things that have been going on are just going to fall away and I'm going to be stuck back in Baltimore in my dads basement.  I worked so hard to make sure that never happens to me, but honestly, right now I'm afraid that might happen... maybe i'll just drop out now and try and find work up here,  Thats really sad... I really want to finish school... but I dont even know if I'm studying the right thing... I dont think I'm cut out for this...

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first post... old story

Posted on 2007.11.19 at 12:59
Current Location: home
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Britney Spears- Piece Of Me

I wrote this along time ago... i just want to get posting on here so...

Untitled.

 

Shh-shh-shh

The rain was falling in sheets.

Shh-shh-shh

All the other pedestrians on this gray sidewalk carried umbrellas or wore poncho’s, I had nothing.The rain fell upon my bare head, it plopped on my nose, dribbled across my lips and cascaded down my shoulders

Drip-drop-drip-drop

Steady, constant, the rhythm of the rain, its calmness, helped me not to think about the storm in my heart, in my mind.

Drip-drop-drip-drop

My heart was racing in my chest like a jack-hammer, but it kept me going, my fear moved me forward.

I arrived at the predetermined corner and waited.I looked at the people on the street.Almost all business men in plain suits with plain jobs and plain lives.All of them had a phone glued to their ear or a PDA implanted in their faces, it had become a part of them, their machines had become their nature

An old looking black sedan raced down the street about a block away from me.Rain gliding across its smooth exterior.I expected to be splashed by it as it hurried past me, but instead I was splashed as it came to a sudden halt at my feet.

I live in a world of lose-lose situations.

The man who exited the car from the back seat wore a plain black suit like the people on the street and a plain black tie.He looked at me, his eyes smiled an still bore a youth in them quite in contrast to his settled boring adult persona.

When he first saw me he seemed surprised that I was standing there.He looked at me, my ratty old shoes, torn jaded jeans, my vaguely brownish-greenish-somethingish hoodie.I think he had expected that I would dress up for something this important. As if I thought, I’ve never been dressed up for anything in my life, like I’d dress up for, of all people, my father.

My mother is dead.

She died last week of pneumonia though she had been dying of something for the better part of the past 10 years, right after my father ran away.Not that he really ran away, he just went to work at the base one day and never came home.Mother knew what he had done. She had suspected him of having an affair for a long time, but she just hoped that he would always come home at then end of the day.When he didn’t she just couldn’t deal and her body reacted to her mental state.She was bed-ridden from that very day.She hardly spoke or anything.So, I raised myself.I lived in the house because I had nowhere else to go, I tried to take care of my mother as best I could and lived my life pretty much alone.

Until she died.

Now I’m faced with the choice between my father and foster care and the latter was my choice, but the incomparable State chose that I should go live with my father.

The man in the plain black suit stepped closer to me.

“Are you Michael?” he asked.

“Yeah” I said, “And you are?”

“Oh” he gasped, “My name isn’t important, I’m just here to make sure you get to Base 4 safely.”

“Your name isn’t important?” I asked, “Well fine, I’ll call you Mr.Guide.”That got a little chuckle out of him. Good, he is human.

I followed him into the car.It was the same as the exterior, slick, black, generic. The man and his suit were almost camouflaged in the seat.Instantly when we sat, he pulled out his cell phone and rapidly began pressing buttons.

“Yes, Mr. Carlson, I have your son right here, we’re on our way now.. mmhmm.. ok, sure thing boss”He grinned falsely when he received his orders from my father, “We’re going to meet your father in Tower 2, he’ll probably be in a meeting but he said he’ll sneak out to get you settled in your apartment.”

My apartment, emphasis on the apart.

When my father left, he didn’t just go to be alone, no when he left he went and started up a whole new life.He married a new woman, Margie, and had two new sons, Marshall and Mitchell.I guess he thought it would be cute to have everyone’s name start with the same letter.

The only problem was that with me coming in, my father said that there wouldn’t be enough room in his prefabricated government issue home for me and that until he was able to save up the money to purchase a larger home I would have to stay in an apartment nearby.He said that I should come over every night for dinner and spend as much time over there as I wanted.He told me to think of my apartment as a bed away from home.

I knew he was lying.

But honestly I didn’t care.I didn’t want it anyway.I didn’t want to eat food prepared by this woman who isn't my mother, or to spend time with the two boys who aren’t my brothers.I didn’t want any of it.

Drip-drip-drop-drip-drip-drop

Focus on the rain.Stay calm, even keel

Drip-drop-drip-drop

We arrived at the gate to the base.The huge monster.Barbed wires climbing up its grilled front, lashing out the giant doors with teeth gnashing together ready to chomp on anything that gets to close.And beyond, a brown paradise.Brown stores on brown streets, brown homes with brown lawns, brown cubes they called apartments.The only falter in the consistent brown was the two huge glass towers in the middle of the whole 20x20 mile base.These two huge beacons of glimmering glass shot straight through the clouds.I don’t even think anyone had ever actually counted the floors since the building keeps getting taller, they just guess on a nice round number every few years.

The towers are a city unto themselves.The corporate sponsorship required to build such a thing is enormous.You can see the aftermath of it in the buildings themselves.The first fifty floors or so in both are malls, and continuing up for another 20 floors or so is pure advertisement.Every company in the world it seems has pasted some sort of billboard or sign or something on one of those buildings

My father was about 300 floors up on Tower 2.After the hour long drive and the 30 minutes of security checks and the 20 minutes of driving through the city I now had to wait in an elevator for 10 more minutes while it hauled Mr. Guide and I up to my fathers office.

Mr. Guide didn’t speak.

Along with his name not being important, I suppose his words weren’t important either.

Shoom-shoom-shoom

We raced up the elevator shaft.

Shoom-shoom
shoom-shoom- tsaahh...

We came to a sudden halt.My stomach turned and I lost my balance for a second.This was my fathers morning commute.

Mr. Guide and I exited on the floor that was labeled “300’s Generals Conference Room 34”

Mr. Guide hurried down the hall looking at his watch.I was following closely behind.I noticed that I was still damp from standing out in the rain for so long and all the people we passed in the hall were staring at me.I was unexpected.The appraised me much in t he same waythat Mr. Guide had when he first picked me up.At the end of that hall was a large glass door and through it was a bustling office full of people running about with stacks of papers and books and coffee and pens and all that other stuff that you find in an office.There was a womans voice on the intercom every few seconds saying “Mr. Tanaka, you are needed on 600’s Accounting Room 17” and then you would see a disgruntled looking Japanese man rise from his desk, gather a bunch of random papers, take one last gulp of his coffee, and run past you into the throng of people.

I followed Mr. Guide through this seething mass to the back where the was another set of double doors, this time made of fake plastic wood.We crossed into this new room and there was silence.There was no one there except for a bored looking receptionist smacking on a piece of gum that I’m sure has been her favorite for that past few minutes.We walk over to her and Mr. Guide clears his throat.The girl puts down her magazine and looks at him side ways

“What” she says nonplussed

“I have Mr. Carlson’s son here, could you tell him that we’ve arrived please.”

“He’s in a meeting back there with the General.”She gestured to yet another set of double doors behind her.These had little portholes so you could peek in.

“Look, he’s expecting us, can you just tell him that we’re here.”

“Tch, fine.”She lowered her mouth to the little microphone on her desk, fabricated a smile and said, “Mr. Carlson, your son is waiting for you just outside the door” It was her who had been making the announcements that I heard outside.

“Thank you” said Mr. Guide sarcastically.The receptionist just sneered back at him and continued smacking her gum and reading up on the latest celebrity trends.

After a few seconds a rather frazzled young man stepped out from the big doors to the office and gestured for us to quietly come in.

When we stepped through the door there was yet more chaos.All the people at the large central table were yelling at each other about some energy problem or work distribution, and there were about 30 scribes taking notes on the whole thing.

I scanned the room.All the men in the room wore plain brown business suits, jet white lab coats or military garb.

I saw my father across the room, yelling just as loud as the rest of them.Somehow I had hoped that he would at least notice me, not that I really cared, but it would have been nice to have been noticed.

I sat in the corner next to Mr. Guide.He was still looking at his watch and tapping his foot.I wondered if he had another kid to pick up somewhere and he’s running late.

I looked over to the scribes.They too were frantic and had panicked looks on their faces.I noticed one of them however was just as calm and unexcited by the whole scene as I was.He looked to be about my age, no older than 20 maybe.He had soulful brown eyes and brown hair that fell in his eyes, like mine.I stared at him for a good long while, he was like a focal point, keeping me from getting dizzy in this circus.Then he looked back over at me.I hardly noticed, until he smiled.

Dazzling.

I smiled back embarrassed and looked at my feet.They were an ok focal point too.

But I felt him.He was still staring at me. My face was warm, on fire.I bit my lip and chanced another look across the room.Sure enough, he was still looking over at me.

Slow motion...

He blinked and bit his lip

This is so dumb

He looked away for a second, then looked back.

Drip-drip-drop-drip-drip-drop

Keep calm, even keel...

“Ahem!” the General coughed from across the room, “That’s enough for today, we’ll have to finish this discussion tomorrow.”

Whew

 

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